Dear God… Should I give up?

I might at the lowest point right now, still wondering whether it will change to be a turning point for me to take another, better step in my life. Leaving the negative aura behind and ready to move on. But, well… I don’t know yet. All I know is I’m so very pissed off and fucked up right now. I feel like crawling in the floor, pouring tears as much as it can. I keep asking in my heart, “Dear God… Should I give up?”. But at the other time I remind myself that maybe this is just a frikkin’ PMS that attacks me with no mercy. Is it?

After a year and nine months of this supposed-to-be-mutual cooperation. I never felt so disappointed and insulted like this before. I am forced to feel some kind of feeling like I just killed someone. I am forced to feel anxious, mad, sad, panic, drowned and then fall down without even having a chance to seek and scream for help. He has stopped my spirit by force! And I hate the condition of being so powerless like this. Seriously God, do I really have a choice??

If I don’t reconsider this again with cool-headed, I will mostly decide something that I can regret for the rest of mylife. Yet, it is now so damn hard for me to even make my mind stop running scary glimpses and scenes about what will happen next, and those things make my head heating up even more. And so I know this is not PMS 😥 Sadly it’s not.

I really should go home now and meet my son. I need my mood-booster, my “freezer”. I really need to make these damn tears to stop streaming down on my face.

Ah, fuck this! Today is so not mine to embrace…



5 thoughts on “Dear God… Should I give up?

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